I gave them up…

It is funny how the stupidest thing can bring about so many suppressed feelings. I have many guilty pleasures, and one of those is watching absolutely ridiculous TV shows… And by watch, I mean binge on Netflix. Recently I started 90210 and really didn’t think anything of it….

THIS is where I stop you and warn you about SPOILERS. I am not that person, so don’t continue if you are not most of the way through…

You have been WARNED.

There is a girl named Adriana who ends up getting pregnant and then giving the baby up for adoption. Then later in the series, her career as a singer doesn’t pan out. Out of left field comes a reason why she is so upset she wasn’t successful. I mean I was expecting the norm, ridiculous teen/new adult is upset because she wants to be famous and failed… Then the show punched me in the gut…

Adriana reveals that the reason she is so upset about not becoming famous is actually because giving her baby then meant nothing. If she was just going to be an average person with normal responsibilities, then there is no reason she should have given up her child.

When I was 25 I was in a pretty bad place. I wasn’t a teen in high school, so for me, the decision I made, in my opinion, was a cowardly one. I have had my fair share of relationships, that didn’t just not work out, but that were detrimental to me mentally. So when I met Wes I thought my night in shining armor had officially arrived.

He was the kind of guy that opened doors, danced with me randomly in public, made me feel beautiful…and sexy. He would randomly pay to fill my gas tank if I had been driving, he paid for dates, and he was always a gentleman. He had swept me off of my feet by whispering sweet nothings and making false promises.

We were only together for a few months. I was someone who believed in God and along with my faith wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. Now… I was no virgin but I had recommitted to this promise and he knew from day one how I felt. But I had been so broken by men in my past, and he made me feel so good about myself. It was my choice…I said yes…It was fun…But…It was not worth it.

We had sex one time…just once…on Valentines Day. I wanted to do something special so we got a hotel room. After that, it was harder to connect. Neither of us had the budget for hotels, and he lived on the floor of his families apartment. I lived with my family at the time. After some time I realized that I was late for my monthly visitor. I told him I was concerned and initially he said we would figure it out, and we went to get a pregnancy test right away.

I have never in my life felt as scared as I was when the test read positive. I told myself that I would never get an abortion, that an abortion was out of the question. But when Wes asked me if it was, for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to no. I was a coward. I was worried that my mom would be disappointed and kick me out. I was worried that Wes maybe wasn’t who I wanted in my life forever. I was worried about how this would change my future. I was ashamed that I had broken my promises. And Wes… Well, he was so set and that being the only option.

He already had a kid. He told me that he had no clue where she was, and that killed him. I know that how this happened may have not been ideal, but I some small part of me hoped he would be okay with this. Even is we didn’t end up together. I was wrong.

In the moment, trying to make the decision to have an abortion is a tremendous battle. They say you have time to make the decision, but really you have to know pretty quickly. He offered to drive me to my appointment. I would have asked anyone else for help, but I was so ashamed. When I got to the doctors my emotions were all over the place. It didn’t help that there were a bunch of people outside yelling at patients coming and going from the clinic.

I went in for the ultrasound that they are required to give you. The nurse told me that my baby was 6 weeks old. I tried to make myself not care. I did, but I buried it deep, down in a locked box. The nurse then proceeded to tell me the due date was November 12th. November 12th is my father’s birthday. He is not around, and I did not want this baby to grow up without a father. Even though Wes promised he wasn’t going anywhere, I knew what was coming.

I am sure we will get into my “daddy issues” later, but for now, I will stick to this story.

They give you many opportunities to change your mind…But I didn’t. They offer for you to do the procedure awake, but I was too much of a coward for that. I fell asleep listening to the nurses around me tell jokes and try to put me at ease. I will forever be grateful to those nurses for not making me feel judged for even a second. When I woke up it didn’t take long for me to be ready for discharge.

As we drove home I cried uncontrollably, silently. My face and clothes were drenched with tears from a bad decision. Please understand, I believe each person should have the right to chose what happens to their body, but for me…This was the wrong decision on so many levels. I was broken, and I knew I would never recover.

I haven’t recovered. As I watched this episode of 90210, I broke. I gave my baby up so that I could have a better future essentially. I considered adoption, but my fear was greater than my resolve. And now…I am 30….Without a husband…Without a relationship…With no children…With no education…I gave them up for absolutely no reason.

And as for Wes…He drove me home and sat with me for two minutes while I cried on the couch. He then said he had to leave and then texted me “You just aren’t the same person. I think we should break up.” I couldn’t even bring myself to respond.

Still, to this day, only a select group of people know what I did. The people in my life at the time were kind of there for me in their own ways. I moved out to live in my own little world of depression. I became promiscuous and started to do things I never would have prior. But in my head, I wasn’t good enough for anything but a good time.

Maybe this can be a cautionary tale for you. Maybe it will simply let you know that you are not alone. Either way, thank you for listening.


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