As far back as I remember…

Thinking back to my childhood proved to be a lot harder than I thought. My timelines are definitely jumbled. But I tried to think back to the first memory I could. In this case, I wasn’t talking about those warm, happy, fluffy memories…I was thinking about the memories that changed me in ways that still impacted me to this day. And then I remembered.

As far back as I can remember I have been a sexually curious person. I don’t know why since my mom always put on the wholesome, Volvo driving soccer mom charade. That could also be just the problem… All that sexuality just slid under the rug. Nowadays we like to blame social media and the content allowed on TV. Even back in the 90’s I still managed to be exposed to all kinds of sexual content.

My first memory of being exposed was when I was about 7 years old. I had a friend who must have been about 11, and I used to spend a lot of time with her. Most of the time we were just running around outside and celebrating our obsession with Pogs. When I started to spend the night…you could say things escalated quickly. Her dad was almost never home so one of the things we used to do is watch the Playboy channel. It didn’t even come in like a normal channel. It was through static that I was first exposed to the sexualized female body. Not too long after that, she taught me how to masturbate by laying down in the tub and positioning myself under the running water. I was 7 and having purposeful orgasms.

Pretty quickly after that, my mom started to babysit a boy in my class. He was nice to me, we were friends….We played and had fun….But one day that changed. My mom was hopping into the shower, and we knew we would be alone for a little bit of time. He approached me with a jump rope….I didn’t know what was about to happen. I don’t remember what led up to it but he tied my hands behind my back, and while I was standing there he took my pants off…I didn’t fell scared for whatever reason. Maybe it was because I had been watching Playboy and was already desensitized. He was exploring….He wasn’t fingering me, but he was looking at me. He gently spread me apart to see what was down there. When he was done…it was my turn.

I tied him up…his hands behind his back. I pulled his pants down and just looked. I had a baby brother, but it wasn’t the same. It was a different kind of curiosity. While I did not stroke him I did move his member to get a better look. After that day, we never did this again. I guess out curiosities were satisfied. Well, with boys…

That same year I had another friend the same age as me…a girl. I had lots of girl best friends growing up. At this age, we would still take baths together and such. This particular girl used to take showers with me after long days at the pool. I don’t remember what started these interactions…But I do remember enjoying them. We kissed, naked…We touched each other… eventually we would even go down on each other. This went on for a couple of months before she moved.

I don’t know how to feel about all of this. I know it was wrong. I know if I had kids I would never want them to do things like I did, or be exposed the way that I was. I am ashamed of these moments now, even though I had no real understanding of what I was doing then. But then….everything changed.

I believe I was 8 at the time. My brother’s family came to stay with us for vacation. I loved having people around and couldn’t wait to meet them. My brother and I have different fathers, so this wasn’t technically my family, but I still claimed them as such at the time. My Aunt, Uncle, and their two children. I do not remember how old the boys were, but I want to say one was 12 and the other maybe 7. Since 12 and I were the oldest we got to babysit my brother and his brother while the grown-ups went out.

We wanted to get the younger uncool kids in bed so we could have private time. Little did I know what 12 was actually thinking that meant. We decided to play house and we would be the mom and dad. After putting the kids down for bed…I laid down on the floor and began watching some Nickelodeon. 12 came over to lay down with me. He began to try and tickle and wrestle with me, and as soon as I was on my back something changed.

He leaned in to kiss me. I pushed him away but he was stronger than me. I was scared…I froze…I didn’t even make a noise. He continued to try and kiss me but I refused to open my mouth. He held my hands down with one if his and slid the other hand between my legs. This wasn’t the same as my previous experience. I didn’t want this. He slid his fingers into me.

He wasn’t necessarily rough and I am thankful for that. Afterward, he threatened me. I don’t remember what he said, but I remember still being paralyzed by fear. I did not move until my mother came home. I remember having nightmares for weeks, and even after he was gone I continued to feel scared.

There are very few people who know about the last experience. You are now the first to know about the others. And all of these experiences would change who I am today.

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