Matt #4…

I met him during a theater production at our high school. He was only slightly taller than me, beautiful red hair, an amazing smile, he could play guitar and sing, and he loved theater as much as I did. I might add he was also Christian, and I was too. After talking to some of his mutual friends I decided that I was going to ask him out.

So I did what any mature girl of 15 years old would do. I wrote him a note and asked him to circle “Yes” or “No.” You can make fun of me all you want, but he said yes. I wish I could remember what our first date was. I know we had outings with each other’s families. Maybe one day I will randomly remember.

I really enjoyed spending time with him. From the start of our relationship, he made it clear that he was waiting until marriage…waiting to have his first kiss. He also knew I had already experienced mine and was fine with that. I was always more mature for my age, but he managed to bring out the kid in me. I have so many memories filled with laughter and love.

About two weeks into dating we ended up going to a theater festival together. We were being goofy and having a great time. At one point we were sitting down and I was in his lap and he had his arms around me. Without warning, he planted a kiss on my cheek. I looked up at him and he had the hugest grin on his face. I didn’t realize at the time that he considered that his first kiss. I may have handled the rest of that day a little differently if I had.

That next weekend I went out to dinner with his family and his best friend Brady. After dinner, we ended up hanging out for a bit outside. Matt, Brady and I were sitting in his parents care when Brady decided to get out and go sit at the rear of the car. Matt asked me to check my phone. I did and read…

“I want to kiss you.”

I was almost dumbfounded since we were still newly dating. Because conversations are apparently really hard, I texted him back…

“I thought you wanted to wait until marriage?”

“I already kissed you, but now I want to really kiss you.”

“I didn’t think kissing me on the cheek counted or I would have said something. Are you sure.”

“I am sure I want to.”

“Can you do me a favor? Will you please think about this for a could of weeks. Pray, ponder, decide. And if you still want to, then I want you to as well.”

“Okay. I will.”

I hated the idea of disappointing him, but I wasn’t going to let him give up on his vow that easily. I snuggled up to him and he held me in his arms. I looked up at him. He turned to me and said, “I am sure, and I have been thinking about this longer than tonight.” I didn’t respond. He very slowly, as if to see if I would stop him, leaned in and kissed me. There was something so different about his kiss. He was so sweet and gentle. He cupped my face with his hand as he kissed me. It was sweet and slow. I could feel the electricity in the air dancing on my lips as he pulled away. Not a single kiss before him felt like this. We didn’t make out that night. Instead, we sat there wrapped up in the moment.

It did not take long at all for us to graduate to full on make out sessions. I didn’t know this at the time, but he is still the best kisser I have ever had. I could have kissed him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

One night I snuck over to his house late at night. We went outside and relaxed in his spa. Since this was the first time that we were in bathing suits together any time I kissed him I tried to hold back as much passion as my self-control would let me. For the record, that wasn’t very much. After a while, we went upstairs to his bedroom. At the time, I had no intentions of going past kissing him, but something came over both of us.

We were laying on his futon, wrapped up in each other. Talking and laughing in between kisses. He made me feel safe and excited, beautiful and desirable, and though we hadn’t said it yet, I felt loved. And yes…I know what you are thinking… It is lust not love. But I knew then that this was different. Matt will forever be my first love.

While we continued to kiss, the song “Dare you to Move” by Switchfoot came on. I don’t know what it was about that song, but it supercharged both of us. Suddenly our passion was uncontrollable. He began to kiss my neck and chest, lighting every inch of skin that he touched on fire.  Then he slid his hands up my shirt and begin to touch my breasts. I didn’t even think to stop him for a second. It felt right being with him, even though I knew what we were doing was wrong. That night was also the first night we said I love you. And I did love him, with parts of me I will never get back.

I don’t remember the exact timeline for everything else so I will just tell you about my other firsts with Matt.

After school, we would park in my car by the park and would have heavy make out sessions. Then one afternoon he slid his hand from my breasts to the top of my pants. He pulled away to look at me as if asking me if it was okay. I just pulled him to me and kissed him to say yes. He slowly unbuttoned my pants and undid my zipper. My body clenched in anticipation. Even my nipples were tingling. He slid his large hands into my panties and I pressed my hips into his hand. All I wanted to do was cum for him. My body ached to be his. My hips moved in tempo with his hand and before long my whole body shook as I came in his arms.

His parents were often gone. His parents, even when they were home, almost never checked on us. We came in after making out and I couldn’t wait to please him. We stepped into the bathroom downstairs and dropped to my knees. I undid his pants slowly as a nibbled and kissed his stomach. I pulled his pants down and then slowly pulled his underwear down as I continued to trail kisses down his body. I sat back and pulled them completely off exposing his large, throbbing erection.

He pressed his head against the wall and arched his back to bring his hips closer to me. I slid his erection into my mouth. I wanted him to feel as good as he made me feel. I slid him deep into the back of my throat until the entire length of the shaft was inside my mouth. He moaned. I loved hearing him react, watching him respond. I lived to please him. When he finished I swallowed every drop.

When it came to having actual sex we definitely took our time. In fact, we waited a long time. Part of the reason being because something happened to me during summer. I should have told him. But I didn’t. I was terrified to. I didn’t want him to think I was ruined. I really should have know better. He did know about me being molested and he still loved me.

One night after a play we walked to my car that was parked at the high school. We got in and we were not ready to go home yet. We sat in the back seat since it was much more comfortable. As we began to fool around all I could think about was how much I wanted him. I told him I was ready. He asked me just once if I was sure, and I assured him I was.

I remember being so nervous being naked in front of him. I wish that insecurity wasn’t always in the back of my head. But I did trust and love him. I laid back in my seat and he pulled my panties off. I kept my legs closed until he slid his pants and boxers all the way down. He put on a condom and gently push my legs apart. I was shaking I was so nervous. He went very slow giving me every opportunity for me to stop him. He placed himself right in front of me and slowly began to push inside me. He was slightly in and I asked him to stop. I let him know I just needed him to go slow. He was large and it hurt a bit. I would tell him to stop and go as I needed until finally, he was all the way inside me.

He began to thrust slowly in and out. It really did hurt. I didn’t bleed like I had heard I might. I kissed him deeply, my hands pulling him tightly to me. I wanted him to cum. I wanted him to claim me forever. I hadn’t cum by the time we were done, but I was satisfied on such a deep level I didn’t care. We sat there, sweaty, breathing heavy, lost in each other’s touch until our heartbeats slowed. I know some may think losing your virginity in the back of a car is horrible…But I don’t regret a single moment. I was his.

From then on out I was horny all the time. Once sex was less painful we became all kinds of creative. I tried every position with him. Spooning was my favorite. I haven’t done that position in so long. Once he pretended to be a principle and I was his student. We had sex on his father’s desk. One time my brother caught me having sex with him while he was tied down to my bed. I actually think my brother kept that secret. Haha.

Then this happened…

I had snuck Matt into my room… This wasn’t hard since my parents put me on the first floor haha… I remember being incredibly turned on. He felt so good inside me. His skin touching my skin was still electric….Then…I realized something was wrong. We finish and when we did I saw what had happened. I asked him to close his eyes immediately. He did so without question. I explained to him in a tiny voice that I had started my period while we were having sex. I ran to the bathroom to grab something to clean us off with. He was so understanding and patient. I never felt he was freaked out by this for even a second. God, I loved him.

We really loved trying new things…And I was so comfortable with him. So one day I asked him if he wanted to try something new. He, of course, was willing to try anything…I told him I wanted to try anal…Even knowing how thick he was I still wanted to try this with him. I know so many women aginst this, but everything else felt so good with him that I did not want to pass up trying this with him.

I had snuck him into my room yet again. I know that night I had lit a few candles to help set the mood. I had lube to the side and ready to go, and I was honestly more excited than I was nervous. The minute I closed the door behind him, his lips met mine. He placed his hands on the small of my back and pulled me against him as I wrapped my arms around his neck. He slowly walked me back to the bed. He continued to kiss me as he laid me down. He slid his body between my legs making me shiver.

He began to trail his kisses down my neck and stomach. Matt slid my shirt off and kissed me as he removed my bra. My nipples became hard as he slid them into his mouth. Then he laid beside me and slid his hand down my stomach and slowly started to pull down my pants. He left my panties on for them moment. They were soaked with anticipation. I wanted him to touch me, I needed him to touch me.

As soon as my legs were free of my pants he slid his hand inside my panties and caressed my clit, making me gasp. He rubbed it gently as his lips claimed mine. He slid his fingers inside me and I bit my lip to keep from moaning. He began to finger me as he sucked on my nipples.

I had finally had enough and I was completely riled up at this point. I turned him on his back and began to undress him quickly. I needed him inside me. As soon as he was naked I straddled him and slid his huge erection inside me. I slid up and down becoming wetter with each thrust. Before he could cum I slid off of him and laid down with my back to him. I told him I was ready and I grabbed the lube and placed a small amount in my hand. I wrapped my hand around his throbbing erection and made sure it was completely covered.

I braced myself only a little, but I was so turned on and relaxed with him that I knew it wasn’t going to be how other women described it. He began to slowly slide into me. It was only painful for a moment. He was just so big and I was so tight. Once he was all the way inside me, he began to thrust slowly making me moan. It felt good…so good. He began to go faster and faster and I had to bite a pillow to keep moans from escaping. Then he slid his hand in between my legs and began to rub my clit. I was in extasy. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold out for long but I wanted him to cum first.

As soon as he came he didn’t pull out, but rather he stayed inside me and continued to play with me. I came hard in his hand, my body trembling with each wave of my orgasm. As I began to come down I kissed him. I never wanted this to stop.

I also had my first and only 69 with him. He had gone down on me before. I know I skipped this detail, but it really wasn’t a great experience for me. I don’t think this had anything to do with his skill. I do believe it had everything to do with my insecurities about being seen naked. I was terrified of being looked at. Overall, I did enjoy the 69 because I was able to please him, but we only did that once.

We truly did hump like bunnies. I could not get enough of him. We dated for some time and had never had any real issues. I know he was dealing with some hard stuff at home. He had a brother in a recovery program for drug use, and he was dealing with an abusive father. He had a ton of energy and had been diagnosed with ADHD as well. We had been attending his church the entire time we were dating and I do think the guilt from us having sex was building up as well.

One day we had been playfully teasing each other, exchanging witty banter. We were walking to class and I grabbed his MP3 player pretending to take it away from him. He became instantly angry demanding it back. Out of shock, I didn’t move so he then pinned me to the wall. I gave it back to him and did not talk to him for the rest of the day. He didn’t technically hurt me, so after he apologized and I let it go.

Not too long after that incident we were sitting outside the hallway of the theater room and eating with our friends. Prior to that moment, we had never had a fight or even raised our voices to one another, so I was in shock at what happened next. I was telling a story and he kept interrupting me so I playfully bumped him and told him to shut up. This was nothing I hadn’t done before and clearly didn’t mean it in a malevolent manner.

I set him off. He stood up grabbed my head and tried to knee me in the face. I managed to avoid that by turning my head and then he threw my head into the wall. My friends immediately jumped up and got me into the classroom that was thankfully unlocked. They sat me down and locked the door behind us. They called the office to ask for security, and when they came Matt had had a seizure in the hallway.

I told his parents that I would not press charges so long as they promised to get him help. Matt and I ended things and that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Even with the abuse in the picture. I still tried to talk to him. His parents let him drop out of school and go live at the beach house. I stopped going to church for a bit to avoiding answering questions. There were rumors floating around school that I had been stabbed because he happened to have a pocket knife on him that day.

I finally decided to go to youth group again, and I brought a friend. People were allowed to give testimonials of their walk with God. They did have to be approved by the pastor to prevent anything inappropriate being said. I happen to go the night he was giving his testimonial. He got up in front of all of our friends and said, “I was in a relationship that ruined my life. It ruined my family life, it ruined my school life, and it ruined my church life.” I was so upset. I understood that we both made bad decisions, but to blame me for everything was ridiculous. To do it in front of all of our friends, was even more ridiculous. I couldn’t believe that the pastor would allow him to say that.

I had my first ever panic attack and left the church. I was so embarrassed. I wondered what the church would say if I got up there and talked about what happened at school that day. But I just left. Since we weren’t talking, his best friend Brady kept me up to date. In fact Brady and I ended up becoming close. Very close…

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