Remember that secret I told you about…This is the summer it happened.
This summer I was excited. I had so many things to look forward to! Like my senior year and a trip to Costa Rica. This was the first summer I wasn’t in summer school to get ahead. I was going with some of my newer friends from my theater department. Mainly Mallory. We had become very close over the last part of the year. I spent almost every free second with her. We were in honors classes together, theater together, and soon to be in Costa Rica together.
Mallory was a bit more of a partier than I was and ended up sneaking booze into their hotel room almost every night. I ended up bonding with a guy from another school since we both didn’t want anything to do with that scene. We went on early hikes and stayed up talking. People began to call us “Mom” and “Pop” since we were being so responsible. We ended up staying in touch after the trip. I am glad I had a good influence in Costa Rica because I was about to make some very bad decisions.
When I got home from Costa Rica my parents headed to Hawaii. This meant I was home alone for a week. So I did what any teenager would do. I invited my friends over to use the hot tub and drink. Mallory had her boyfriend and a few other people I didn’t know coming. My boyfriend was sadly out of town.
We all relaxed in the hot tub for a while then we went inside to continue the party. I was on my second Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Mallory headed upstairs to my parent’s bedroom. She was a virgin at the time and I knew what she was planning.
Most of the others left and I was left with Anthony. I turned our fireplace on while he grabbed me another drink. He was grungy in a Nirvana kind of way. He was into punk music and he hated school. We continued to just talk for quite a while. Suddenly I felt a little dizzy. I figured it was a mix of the hot tub and drinking.
I remember leaning on him for support. I remember feeling dizzy. I remember his hands on me. But I don’t remember much else.
I woke up the next morning…Hurting…Confused…and Anthony was laying next to me in my bed. I think my crying woke him up…He didn’t say a word. He just got up, got dressed, and left.
I sat there, frozen in disbelief. I was trying to remember what happened. I looked down at myself. I was completely naked. Something was very wrong. The first thing I noticed was that there was blood. It was on my leg, and in between my legs. As I became more lucid the pain from between my legs seemed to worsen. I wrapped myself in a blanket and went to the bathroom.
I turned on the shower and sat there staring at the wall in shock. I knew what had happened, but I couldn’t get myself to acknowledge the truth. All I could think about was what my parents would think. How much trouble I was going to be in. If I told them about this, then I would have to tell them everything else. I didn’t want people to know what happened. I felt responsible. I threw the party. I drank. I left myself alone with someone I barely knew. I was filled with shame. I felt broken and used.
The bathroom had filled with steam as I sat there thinking about everything. I got in the shower and I immediately felt a sting from the water as it hit my leg. I just stood there as the blood washed away. The water ran cold before I could bring myself to get out. Shivering, I got out of the shower, wrapped myself in a towel, and walked back to my room. I texted Mallory and let her know that if she was still there she could just leave and I would take care of everything.
I peeled the cover off of my futon and threw it on the ground. I still couldn’t bring myself to sit on the bed so I pressed my back against the cold wall, and slid down until I was sitting on the floor. I didn’t move for hours. The only thing that made me get up was the fact that I had to clean everything up before my parents came home.
I got up and went to get dressed. As I pulled my pants up I saw why there had been blood on my leg. You see…before this night, I was a virgin. So I thought the blood was from losing my virginity. But it wasn’t. Anthony had carved a word into my leg. Not only had he taken my virginity, but he left a permanent reminder of what happened that night. He had carved the word “SLUT” into my leg. To this day I can still make out some of the letters if I look closely enough.
I broke. I cried as I cleaned. I tried to cover every inch of the house. I did not want to have to explain anything to my parents. I couldn’t even think the word “rape,” let alone try to explain to my parents.
When my parents came home I really thought I had gotten away with it. But about a week later my stepfather was cleaning the hot tub and confronted me about what I put in it. I knew how my stepfather was, so none of us drank or ate anything while we were in the hot tub. I honestly had no explanation. He didn’t accuse me of having people over, so I was still in the clear in my mind.
School started shortly after this…And nothing could have prepared me for the year I was about to have.